New and Improved
by crysthur and artheph
Summary: Mass confusion and hysteria abound as rabid fangirls mysteriously shift their attention to an oblivious Kiba.
1. Chapter 1

Authors' Note: Yes, we have a thing for Kiba's sexy hair. And yes, this is our first joint venture. Sure, we play pretty big parts in helping each other write stories, but that's just like... helping to inspire or correcting the occasional grammar mishap. THIS story got passed back and forth between us. We had fun writing this. We wrote this instead of paying attention in chem class. It is a COMPENDIUM of our story-writing geniuses. Enjoy.

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It was monsoon season. The winds were blowing. It was about to rain. Oh look. It's raining. A rather dejected Kiba was strolling about in the monsoon. He had gotten into a fight with Akamaru that morning over who got to use the bathroom first. Hurtful words had been said by both parties, and it ended with Akamaru storming out angrily while barking a few choice words over his little doggy shoulder. Now Kiba was out looking for his best friend with a box of Beggin' Strips as a peace offering, hoping they could reconcile their differences. He was practicing his "I'm So Sorry!" speech.

"Akamaru, I'm so sorry about this morning. It was such a silly argument.... Of _course_ I should have let you use the bathroom first! You _are _the dog after all... I was being so stupid..."

Sasuke was strolling about a little ways behind Kiba. The customary pack of rabid fangirls was scurrying about a little ways behind Sasuke. The wind blew off Kiba's hood. His sexy hair was revealed. It began to dampen in the rain.

"GASP!"

"GASP!"

"GASP!"

The rabid fangirls gasped simultaneously.

"Who is that sex god who is not Sasuke?!"

His hair was sexy. His red markings were sexy. Even his razor sharp teeth were sexy. The fangirls started chasing after Kiba. _Now_, Sasuke gave a gasp.

"GASP!"

The girls were not following...HIM? He was a little miffed. Then he got mad. Admit it. Sasuke has the personality of crappy sandpaper. All he has are his looks and his oh so sexy voice, which made those rabid fangirls religiously chase him all around Konoha. Now Kiba was taking them away. Sasuke wanted revenge on the new sex god in town.

So at first, Kiba only had his little doggy on his mind. But then, as the rain poured on and the Beggin' Strips got soggy, he let his mind wander over to that oh so special girl.

"_I love the way she twiddles her thumbs...though it means she's having one of her bouts of shyness and is impossible to understand with her stuttering... I love the way her voice is so quiet...though sometimes I can't hear it. I love how her hair looks so shiny and silky...though it kind of looks like a mushroom..."_

Kiba had a way of making romantic thoughts rather unromantic. Oh, well look at that! Kiba stumbled across Hinata whilst in the midst of his strolling. She was watching Naruto stupidly train in a monsoon.

"Hey Hinata," he said in the sexiest voice he could muster. And it _was_ sexy.

However, it had no effect on the dear girl. She merely nodded and said, "Kiba," in a very distracted manner.

At that very moment, the rabid fangirls finally caught up with Kiba. They screamed for him.

"KIBA!!"

Hinata looked up to investigate this new source of noise that was distracting her from her Naruto-musings. She gasped.

"GASP!"

Kiba was ...different. It wasn't just that his hood was down. She had seen that millions of times. This time was special though, because his hair was DAMP. And that made ALL the difference. The dampness of his hair, plus those sexy drops of water dripping down his face, PLUS his sexy razor sharp teeth, PLUS those smoldering hot red marks that made him seem so very...oh, there aren't ANY words to describe Kiba's sexiness. Except for one. Kiba was officially SEXIFIED. Hinata swooned.

Kiba sensed a disturbance in the force. Something was happening today that had never happened before. Hinata was looking at him. Like, _at _him. Every day, he would go about on his frolickings and find Hinata standing behind something watching that Naruto fellow. And every day, he would greet her in the sexiest voice he could muster. And every day, all she did was give him the barest of replies and go back to watching that blond-haired bimbo without even looking at him. But today, Hinata was actually looking at him... There was something odd about the look she was giving him too... Something... new...

"GASP!"

Kiba gasped as realization dawned. That look in her eyes... it was... it was... But alas, before Kiba could complete his train of thought...

"KIBA!!" screamed the fangirls again. Without warning, they threw themselves at the sexiness that was Kiba with damp hair, pushing poor Hinata out of the way in their hurry.

Kiba found himself drowning in a sea of rabid-fangirl arms. They were everywhere. He was suffocating. They continued to scream his name in an extremely high-pitched way that all but shattered his eardrums. As Kiba fell to the ground under the weight of the screaming rabid fangirls, they all raised up their arms in joy at having finally caught up with him. Seeing an opening for escape, Kiba crawled desperately between the stick-like legs of the rabid fangirls and managed to breathe open air once more. But not for long. Oh no, the rabid fangirls were not as air-headed as they looked. Pretty soon, they realized that the object of their adoration had disappeared from their dog pile and was trying to sneak away. They gave chase. Kiba ran for his life. Unfortunately for him, little bits of soggy Beggin' Strips were falling out of his pocket, creating the proverbial "trail of breadcrumbs" for the rabid fangirls to follow. Kiba, obviously, is not the sharpest tool in the shed. MEANWHILE...

Sasuke was brooding. About Kiba. And his new lack-of-fangirls-status. When a person such as Sasuke broods, bad things tend to happen. Today, a bad thing did happen. Sasuke hatched a plan. An evil plan. An evil plan with many twists and turns and role reversals. All to get Kiba back for taking away his fangirls. Sasuke gave an evil smirk. Now, all he needed was an accomplice to bring his genius evil plan to fruition.

"_Hmmm..._" Sasuke pondered, "_who should I get to help me? It can't just be anyone... I need someone who's persuasive... who won't ask a lot of questions... who's enthusiastic...someone who Kiba will not suspect of trying to trick him..._"

After spending a couple of minutes racking his brain, Sasuke gave up. Instead, he started crossing out people who wouldn't fit the job. Pretty soon, through the process of elimination, he ended up with one name: Rock Lee. And that was only because he was the only one who fit the "enthusiastic" part of the description. Sasuke wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"_Rock Lee??? MUST it be HIM??? I mean... he's so very... unfortunate-looking... If he is to help me carry out my genius evil plan... I will have to behold his unfortunate-ness for quite some time. I am not pleased..._"

Sasuke sighed. For the sake of his genius evil plan, sacrifices would have to be made. He was just going to have to deal with the unfortunate-ness of Lee's err... situation. So before he could talk himself out of it, Sasuke sauntered off in search of Lee.

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Authors' note: agh, we're typing as fast as we can... there's probably gonna be another chapter or two of this.. most of it is done already.. just needs... tweaking.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors' note: YAY! When we last left Kiba, he was being chased by a group of rabid fangirls thirsting for some damp-haired sexiness, and Sasuke was off putting his evil genius plan into action. What could POSSIBLY happen next?? READ ON!

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Kiba found himself hiding in a dumpster. Sure, it was rather cramped. Sure, it smelled like, well, like a dumpster. And sure, it was humiliating beyond belief, but he had been desperate. Those rabid fangirls had followed him around like hounds. He had finally shaken them for a second after he turned a corner and jumped into the nearest thing he could find. Which is how he ended up in a dumpster. That had been about half an hour ago. He had heard nothing from them for a while. Furtively, he stuck his head out. The rain had stopped whilst he was in the dumpster, and the sun had come out. Kiba sniffed the air experimentally. Nope, no sign or scent of rabid fangirls anywhere. He jumped out of the dumpster and shook himself off, much like a dog would. It was then that he noticed that his hood was not on. He gasped.

"GASP!"

He quickly slipped his hood back on, snugly over his head. His hood was... very important to him. It made him feel secure. One could even venture to say that his hood was the equivalent of another's... security blanket. But enough of that. Kiba had other things to worry about. Other things like that look in Hinata's eyes right before he had been so mercilessly trampled.

"_I must find out what that look was all about...Maybe, just maybe..._"

And with that in mind, he set off to find Hinata. Kiba was a man on a mission. He was also a man who still had little bits of Beggin' Strips falling out of his pocket. But that's beside the point.

After wandering aimlessly around town for a couple of hours, Kiba was about to despair.

"_Dammit, where could she be??_" He thought to himself. Then, it occurred to him to put his keen dog-like senses to good use. Looking back on it, he should have thought of it in the first place, considering his keen dog-like senses were such a big part of his life, which would have saved him a good couple of hours. But anyways. He gave the area a good couple of whiffs and within minutes caught onto Hinata's scent. Trotting away happily, he soon found her. Surprisingly, she was _not_ standing behind something, watching Naruto. In fact, she seemed as if she were looking for someone.

"_Could it be... she's been looking for ME?_" Kiba thought excitedly. "_Okay Kiba... time to turn on the charm... MAKE HER SWOON!!!_"

He sidled up to her and said once more in the sexiest voice he could muster,

"Hey Hinata."

Hinata turned around. She had in fact been waiting for him. She couldn't get that image of him with his sexy damp hair out of her mind since that morning. Once she set eyes on him, she gasped.

"GASP!"

Hinata supressed the urge to gag. The Kiba that stood before her now was horrendous. He had his hood back on, making him seem as if he had unruly lion-hair. With his hood back on and his mane back in place, his razor sharp teeth changed from being sexy to being... hazards. His smoldering red marks now seemed like Indian war paint. Instead of having sexy drops of water sliding down his face, he now had some unknown sticky substance covering a large part of his forehead. In addition to all of this, a putrid smell seemed to float in the air around him. It is suffice to say that the Kiba who now stood before Hinata was SO NOT SEXIFIED. In fact, he was as far from sexified as anyone could get.

As all these thoughts ran through Hinata's head, a completely out of the loop Kiba was still in the act of wooing his dear Hinata.

"I'm so sorry about this morning, Hinata." he continued in the sexiest voice he could muster.

Hinata couldn't take it anymore. She had been trying to be nice by staying and listening to him... If this had been sexified damp-haired Kiba talking to her, Hinata couldn't have cared less about the smell, but as it was, there was no way she was going to stand there and listen to a totally un-sexified Kiba babble on as each breath of that horrendous odor was undoubtedly killing hundreds of her brain cells.

"I was just wondering if uh, you would like too-"

"S-sorry Kiba... I..." Hinata had to interrupt him. She frantically searched for some sort of plausible explanation. She couldn't think of anything.

"...n-need to um... water the lawn... it's... looking a bit... yellow. Gotta go."

With that, she scampered off as fast as her little legs could carry her, breathing in deep breaths of clean air, leaving a very baffled Kiba to contemplate what had just happened. MEANWHILE...

Sasuke found the unfortunate-looking Lee...training.

"Lee."

Lee's head whipped around at the sound of his voice. Flames formed in his eyes.

"AH HAH! You are looking for a fight, am I right?" Lee stood in his battle pose with his right arm out in front in that beckoning gesture.

"Begin."

"No."

"No? OH! Then did you want to enjoy the SPRINGTIME OF YOUR YOUTH with me? We could train together! I'll even give you an extra GREEN SPANDEX OF YOUTH! It really DOES have a positive effect on your workout!"

Sasuke twitched. Springtime of youth? Green SPANDEX of youth? He was beginning to question his decision of choosing Lee to help him exact his revenge. Sasuke turned towards the bushy-eyebrowed boy. Unfortunately, Sasuke had turned at the very moment Lee had decided to do his "I'm OVERLY motivated" pose. Lee had those flames back in his eyes and was yelling out, "HOOOHHHHHH!"

Then, Lee proceeded to punch imaginary figures in the air. Sasuke could think of only one word at this time: "Ewww..." He sniffed in that superior way of his.

"No, Lee. I do not wish to engage in any of those slightly questionable activities with you. I need you to help me do a certain something to a certain someone."

"Umm...what?"

Sasuke sighed. This was going to be much harder and much more painful than he had predicted. But he had no other choice. Lee was the best candidate for the job, and Sasuke REALLY wanted to get those rabid fangirls back, as annoying as they were. They gave him something more to smirk about, other than his OBVIOUS awesomeness.

"Lee, I want you to help me get my revenge."

"OH! You mean on Itachi right?"

That struck a chord in Sasuke. NO ONE, and we mean NO ONE, dared to mention Itachi in front of Sasuke. Except for Lee just now, of course, but that's just because Lee is so ignorant and naïve and all.

"NO, DAMMIT! AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN I'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH SINCE..."

Sasuke rambled on about his tragic past for about five minutes. Lee listened in awe. A trail of drool dribbled down his chin.

"Wow, that must've sucked," Lee interrupted.

"YES. IT DID...suck," Sasuke ended, rather weakly.

"Anyway, what I came here for in the first place was to request your help with KIBA."

"Kiba? What for?"

"He... stole my rabid fangirls."

"But...isn't that a good thing? I find them quite annoying myself."

"And how would YOU know? I don't see a horde of rabid fangirls constantly following YOU around."

"Yeah, well, I don't' see a horde of rabid fangirls following YOU around right now."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed to slits. A vein popped out in his forehead. Before, Lee had just been an ugly face in the crowd. When Lee beat him in their little fight before the Chuunin exam (which was a total fluke, of course), he had become irritating. Now, Lee was downright INFURIATING.

"SHUT UP. Are you going to help me or not?

"OK! HOOOHHHHHH!!" Flames formed in Lee's eyes, yet again.

Sasuke was about to whisper his brilliant plan full of twists and turns and role reversals in Lee's ear when he realized that he was loathe to move any closer to Lee than was absolutely necessary. So he decided to tell Lee his brilliant plan full of twists and turns and role reversals from where he was presently standing. Lee listened in awe, AGAIN with a trail of drool dribbling down his chin. AGAIN.

Returning to the Kiba we left behind a couple of paragraphs before. Kiba had been in his deep contemplation mode for a while now. Hinata's sudden disappearance had puzzled him so. After thinking very hard about it for a while, he came to the conclusion that Hinata didn't _really_ need to water the lawn as she had claimed. Following another long session of mulling over this new piece of information, Kiba discovered that this meant that Hinata had come up with an excuse to get away from HIM!!!

"_Why, WHY would Hinata make up an excuse just to get away from me??_ _I mean, she was sooo obviously into me this morning... and nothing has changed since then... right?_"

As you can see, our poor, dear Kiba is completely oblivious to the power that his sexy damp hair had over women. It never even occurred to him that his hair had anything to do with anything at all. So instead, Kiba looked down at himself. It was then that he noticed the smell emanating from him.

"_Well, I DO smell a bit from my little excursion in the dumpster...But that couldn't POSSIBLY be the reason for Hinata's sudden coldness... I REFUSE to believe that she is that shallow..._"

(Authors' note: PWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA... don't you just love the smell of dramatic irony in the morning??)

Kiba then proceeded to think really, really hard about all the things that had happened that morning. He got this really concentrated look on his face, which made him look like he was slightly constipated. In fact, many facial expressions can be interpreted as constipation. But that's beside the point. Soon after he had adopted his constipated-looking-look-that-wasn't-really-constipation-and-was-in-fact-concentration-but-looked-like-constipation-look, Kiba came upon an epiphany. Let us follow his train of thought before this brilliant realization:

"_Hmmm... okay, so this morning. I was out looking for Akamaru... and I came across Hinata... said hello... and then noticed that LOOK in her eyes when she saw me... And I was about to make my oh so sexy moves when that abnormally large group of abnormally skinny girls jumped out and knocked me down...I never did find out why they did that, did I?? Huh...that was odd... they just... came out of nowhere and threw themselves at me... They didn't even say hi to Hinata... IN FACT... I do believe they pushed her out of the way...they... pushed her... to get to me... ... ... ..._"

This is when Kiba's epiphany struck.

"GASP!!!" He gasped.

"_IT WAS THEM! THE RABID FANGIRLS!!! THEY PUSHED HINATA!!! TO GET TO ME!!! AND HINATA BLAMES IT ON ME!!! AGGHHH!!! So now, Hinata is mad at me... which is why she made up that LAME excuse to get away from me... It ALL makes sense now._"

The more Kiba thought about it, the angrier he got. Those damn fangirls had ruined EVERYTHING for him. And what if these fangirls went around ruining the lives of other unsuspecting guys as they did his? No, no, no. This was NOT going to do. The rabid fangirls were a danger to society. Something needed to be done. Someone needed to do something about the fangirls. And Kiba decided that that someone was him. For the sake of all future romantic endeavors, Kiba was going to rid the world of the rabid fangirls. With his mind made up, he walked off with the beginnings of a genius (but not evil) plan already forming in his head.


	3. Chapter 3

Kiba sniggered from his hiding place behind a bush. His intricate plan with all the minute details thought out played through his mind again and again. Hole in forest. Rabid fangirls fall into hole. If said hole fails, no worries. BACK-UP HOLE in forest. Rabid fangirls fall into BACK-UP HOLE!

"_Brilliant, Kiba, brilliant_._ You've outdone yourself this time._" Kiba gave himself a mental pat on the back. MEANWHILE...

Sasuke and Lee were hiding in a bush behind the bush Kiba was hiding in.

"NO!" Sasuke whispered, enraged.

"Kiba's plan is ruining MY brilliant plan full of twists and turns and role reversals! NO! NO! NO!"

He punched the ground, but quietly so as to not alert Kiba.

"Hmm...after scrutinizing Kiba's plan thoroughly...it IS perfect and WILL ruin your brilliant plan full of twists and turns and role reversals! Haha!" Lee whispered back, a little TOO excitedly.

"Shut up, Lee"

"OK SASUKE!"

MEANWHILE...

A cloud of dust was approaching.

"AIEE!!" came a shriek. "I FOUND IT!"

The cloud of dust was almost upon the forest.

"_What'd they find?_" Kiba wondered to himself. He sniffed the air.

"_Hmm...fangirl odor...hehe... they're coming!!! And...sniff... what's this?? Sharpie?? There's something next to the sharpie too, but the sharpie smell is TOO strong...and sniff sniff...soggy Beggin' Strips! Wow the smell of soggy Beggin' Strips is rather overwhelming..."_

Kiba looked down at himself. A soggy Beggin' Strip was hanging limply out of his pocket.

"_Oh... well, that explains it._"

Suddenly, a great stomping could be heard. A path in the forest had been totally cleared out.

"It's the trail of Beggin' Strips again!!" a rabid fangirl yelled in her annoying, high-pitched voice.

"He's GOT to be around here somewhere!!!"

All the rabid fangirls followed the trail of soggy Beggin' Strips which led to a humongo pile of soggy Beggin' Strips in the middle of a suspiciously empty clearing.

Then...FWOOM! The dirt, sticks, and grass covering up Kiba's brilliantly placed hole broke under the weight of all the fangirls.

"AAAA!" they screamed as they fell.

Kiba jumped out of the bush he was hiding behind.

"PWUAHAHA! IT WORKED!!!"

He strutted around, laughing in a superior manner. Moments of pure success came rather rarely for Kiba.

Sasuke fumed from inside the bush he and Lee were hiding in.

"NO! NO! NO! My brilliant plan... RUINED!"

Kiba was so busy laughing and strutting around that he didn't notice the tree branch hanging ominously right in front of him.

SMACK!

Kiba hit his head. He fell back. FWOOM! Straight into his BACK-UP hole.

Sasuke sniggered at Kiba's idiocy. Falling into his OWN back-up hole.

"_Hahaha... what a LOSER...wait a second...Kiba is probably unconscious after that fall...I have a sharpie in my hand...my genius evil plan involved Kiba being unconscious as well...Hmmmm..."_

Sasuke contemplated the situation. A light bulb clicked on in his head.

"Che. It's not exactly my brilliant plan full of twists and turns and role reversals, but ...good 'nuff. C'mon Lee."

"YAY!" Flames started forming in Lee's eyes.

"HOOOHHHH!"

Sasuke glared. "Stop."

"Aww...ok. Commence with the plan!"

Sasuke and Lee dropped into Kiba's back-up hole, where Kiba was lying down unconsciously. They uncapped their red sharpies and proceeded to Kankuro-fy the unsuspecting Kiba.

"Revenge: check."

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Authors' note: THE END!!! pwuahahahaaa... This story is only ONE of our many strange inside jokes. It was so great to finally get out a really random idea. Is there anyone out there who thinks like us? If there is...HIGH FIVE!! Oddly enough, this story started out as a shrine to Kiba's sexy hair. And somehow turned out like this... for some reason. BUT IT'S OKAY!!! ALL IS WELL!!! THE STORY IS DONE!!! YAY!!! Our thought processes are really complex and crazy...especially this one about Hyuuga hair, which will come to a computer near you! Oh that was really stupid. Random sidenote: Crysthur and Artheph are VERY disgruntled over how they have de-sexified and completely uglified Sasuke. You should see us. We spend hours on end griping about it. Okay.


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